“The only thing I ever struggled with in my relationships is my own intolerance.”
What is Emotionally Focused Therapy and how might it help?
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a structured approach to couple therapy originally formulated in the early 80’s by Drs. Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg. EFT is also used with families and individuals. Dr. Johnson further developed EFT to blend attachment theory with systems theory and experiential therapy and there now exists a substantial body of research outlining its effectiveness. Research studies find that 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery and approximately 90% show significant improvements.
Strengths of Emotionally Focused Therapy
EFT is based on clear, explicit conceptualizations are supported by empirical research on the nature of marital distress and adult attachment.
EFT is collaborative and respectful of clients, combining experiential Rogerian techniques with structural systemic interventions.
Change strategies and interventions are specified. Key moves and moments in the change process have been mapped into nine steps and three change events.
EFT has been validated by 30 years of empirical research. There is also research on the change processes and predictors of success.
Visit the EFT Research page at www.iceeft.com for more information.
What frequently happens in relationships (this can include friends, family and co-workers; not just intimate partners) is we get caught in destructive interactional patterns that tend to feed on themselves and spin into a negative spiral. However, in an attempt to get closer to our partner, we say and do things that actually can drive them away or get them upset. EFT has a map for how humans connect.
The Carousel from Hell
Couples frequently get caught up in a dynamic which seems to be circular, revisiting old wounds and hurts which seem to perpetuate the conversation without resolution. These conversations can tend to go on for what seems like hours without satisfaction or completion. We in EFT call this “The Cycle”. Conversations can devolve into the Vicious Cycle, yet, with the proper skills, they can lead us into the Delicious Cycle where we can find safety, connection, trust, understanding, empathy and a host of other experiences we hope for in a relationship.
Communication
It’s common for couples to say, “We can’t communicate.” It really is all about communication, but not in the way most people think. A big challenge is to notice that the communication breakdown isn’t what our partner is saying, it’s what we are hearing. If we really slow down and pay attention to what we are saying to ourselves, that’s the real difficulty. An example may illustrate this concept. Let’s take the situation of your partner saying to you, “You left dirty dishes in the sink again!”. Two things can be happening here. The partner upset about the dishes tells themself, “Obviously you don’t care about me because we’ve talked about this before. I wonder if I matter to you.” The partner who got reprimanded might be telling themselves, “I’m in the dog house again. I seem to keep disappointing my beloved. I’m failing at this relationship.” You may notice that there is likely some emotional charge (anger, hurt, disappointment) on both sides, all from what we tell ourselves about ourself!
Fault vs. Contribution
It can be easy to point at the other and believe that ‘my partner pushed my buttons’. That may be true. And when our buttons are pushed, we sometimes behave in ways that are self serving and not in service to the relationship. If we look at relational dynamics, our partner is behaving, at least in part, to how we are interacting with them. In essence, we are contributing to our partners’ behavior by our own behavior and reactivity. If we can manage our feelings and behave differently, it’s likely that our partner will respond differently to us. We can then feel empowered to have an effect on how our partner responds to us!
Repair to Re-Pair
In the life of many couples, there are little or big ouches that can happen over time. Often, these ouches don’t seem like a big deal but can build up over time. Some of the deepest work that can be done to help couples to reconnect is to visit old hurts, and to do the repair work so that the grudges or resentments don’t subtly interfere with the connection between the couple. It involves a careful unpacking of the historical event so that there is a deep understanding by both parties of what the other experienced.
Justification,Protection or Correction over Connection
Many times when something distressing happens with the couple, our nervous system gets hijacked by perceived or actual threat. In those moments, there is a tendency to move toward a protective strategy which may include: shutting down, getting defensive, intellectualizing, getting loud or argumentative, being right, name calling, shaming, stonewalling, distracting, walking away, collapsing, freezing, justifying our behavior or sometimes getting physical. These knee jerk behaviors are often learned in childhood to deal with scary or overwhelming emotions. These strategies become automatic or habituated over time and further distresses the couple. I call this, the Tragedy of Strategy.
Integrative Psychotherapy 